Fingerprints
by Darley1101
Summary: A chance encounter in the aftermath of tragedy has Alex wondering if his past might also be his future.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Fingerprints

Author: Darley1101

Rating: R (mature readers only. Contains sexual content as well as strong language)

Characters: Alex/Izzie, with mentions of Meredith, Jo, etc.

Premise: A chance encounter has Alex wondering if his past isn't also his future.

Author's Note: I'm a sucker for cast interviews. Perhaps it is the journalist in me. I don't know. I digress. A few months ago I came across an interview Camilla gave over the summer. She was talking with Michael Ausiello about Jo and the relationship with Alex. One of the things she said stood out: that if either character were to screw up the relationship it would be Alex. It wouldn't be intentional, but between the two characters he is the one most likely to let outside influences mess with things. Fast forward to now, to the current storyline. I agree with her. It is definitely Alex who is making waves in the relationship. This isn't a realistic story, so it isn't what I would call canon. More like pseudo canon. Or Darley canon. Either way, I hope those of you who read enjoy! XOXO

Chapter One

" _Broken. Bruised. Forgotten. Sore. Too fucked up to care anymore. Poisoned to my rotten core. Too fucked up to care anymore..." Somewhat Damaged (Nine Inch Nails)_

 _WARNING- MENTION OF SEXUAL ASSAULT_

The worse feeling in life is helplessness. It doesn't matter how physically strong, or mentally for that matter, a person is; when they encounter a situation that renders them helpless their strength means nothing. In some instances, they themselves mean nothing. That was the conclusion Dr. Alex Karev had come to while sitting in an orange plastic chair, waiting to hear if his best friend was going to make it. No matter how many times he reminded himself that Meredith Grey was a fighter, that she was one of the strongest people he knew, his mind reverted back to how broken she had looked when they had found her. For all her strength and courage, she had still become a victim. The taste of bile filled his mouth. The fact that the rape had occurred in their hospital, their territory, with all of them in close proximity, made an already horrific situation even more horrific. It also made Alex think about how helpless he was. There wasn't a damn thing he could do for Meredith other than sit in the stupid chair and wait.

"Any news?"

The quietly asked question came from his girlfriend Jo. Or was she still his girlfriend? At this point, Alex didn't know. Somehow, amongst all his good intentions, he had let his relationship fall to ruin. Leaning forward, he rested his elbows on his knees and directed his attention to the floor. "No," he retorted softly. Alex shook his head as Jo asked if he wanted her to pressure the nurses for information. He'd been a doctor long enough to realize family and friends weren't kept waiting on purpose. No news meant no news. "They'll tell us something when there is something to tell."

"Right." Jo dropped into the seat next to his. Her chair squeaked and then groaned, as though her slight form was too much for it. "You'd think they could afford better chairs," she muttered.

"Talk to Avery." It was all he could think of it say. He wasn't in the mood to talk about how cheap the waiting area chairs were. He wasn't in the mood to talk period. All he wanted was to know if Meredith was going to be okay.

"Maybe I will." The chair squeaked again as Jo shifted into a, presumably, more comfortable position. "Alex, I know now isn't the best time, but we need to talk. Not now, of course, but maybe later?"

 _We need to talk._ The four words that were usually the death of a relationship. Alex had always known things were too good to be true with Jo. She'd been too understanding. Too encouraging. At some point things were bound to go south. And they didn't get more south than a girl turning down a marriage proposal. "I think you said everything you needed to say when you said no," he murmured.

"That isn't true. We need to..."

She was cut off by Dr. Bailey walking into the waiting area. Alex jumped to his feet, his heart pounding. He was barely aware of the people gathering near him. "She's going to have a long, hard road ahead of her."

A long, hard road. It seemed like an understatement. The physical remnants would fade away, but the mental...Alex fought the urge to vomit. Meredith is strong, he told himself as Bailey continued to recite the damage. Even the strong were fallible though. He shook off the thought. Meredith would overcome, she always did. "When can we see her?" he heard someone ask. It sounded like Maggie, but he couldn't be certain.

"Right now she's resting comfortably." Code for none of them were getting past Bailey or the brigade of nurses that would be watching Meredith's room. Alex wrestled with whether or not he should set up camp in the waiting area or find somewhere to numb the pain twisting in his gut. Bailey decided for him. They were to go about their business. Tomorrow would come soon enough, and Meredith needed them to be strong. That twisted his gut even more.

"Let's talk," Jo pleaded softly, following him as he trudged towards the elevators.

"About what?" Alex demanded. He shoved one hand in his pocket and used the index finger of the other to stab the down button.

"Seriously? You're being so...so...so Alex!"

He shot her a dark look. "I am who I am, Jo. And, stupid me, I thought who I was...you know what. It doesn't matter."

"It does matter! It matters to me!" Reaching out, Jo laid her small hand on his forearm. He wanted to shake it off, but a sudden weariness drained him of energy. "We need to _talk_ Alex!"

"You keep saying that, but I've yet to hear what you want to talk about. As far as I'm concerned, there's nothing more to say. You said no. End of discussion. End of...whatever it was we were doing." The elevator doors slid open. A couple of nurses and an intern scurried out. Without a backward glance, Alex stepped inside. He stared at the back wall, studying the 'Cover Your Cough' poster on the back wall. After the doors slid shut he turned around. He was alone. A lump formed in his throat as he pushed the button labeled ground floor. For all her insisting that they needed to talk, Jo had left him. Figuratively and literally. "Screw her," he muttered, leaning against the back wall. He was sick of never doing anything right.

The descent to the first floor seemed to take longer than usual. Without anyone around to distract him, Alex was stuck with his thoughts. Thoughts of what that bastard had done to Meredith; he couldn't dwell on that for long, it was too painful. Thoughts of Jo and how screwed up their relationship had gotten; he still didn't know how they had gotten so messed up. Thoughts of how tired he was. Tired of being there for everyone. Tired of the people he loved getting hurt, dying, or leaving. It was enough to make him understand how his mother had toppled over the edge.

 _I need a drink,_ he thought as he dug his car keys out of his pocket. Going to Joe's was out of the question. Too many people who knew him, who knew Meredith or Jo, would be there. He couldn't deal with any of it. For one night he wanted to be numb, to forget all the turmoil. As he slid behind the wheel of his car, Alex stared out at the night. It didn't seem right that the sky should be so clear, so beautiful, when so much ugliness had occurred.

He wasn't sure how far, or how long, he drove before he found a bar that was far enough from Sloan-Grey Memorial and his apartment, that he was certain nobody he knew would be there. Beneath his light blue t-shirt, his heart thundered. It had been years since he had gone to a bar alone. A bitter chuckle whooshed past Alex's lip as he pushed open a frosted glass and chrome door. The place was crowded enough that he could stick to himself and nobody would notice. Without a second thought he made his way to the bar and slid onto an empty stool.

"Tequila," he told the bar tender. "And keep them coming." The black garbed college aged guy gave him a curt nod and set a clear shot glass before him, along with a bottle. "Thanks," he murmured. The kid gave him another nod before moving on to the next loser who needed to numb their pain.

"Alex?"

The familiar voice wrapped around him like a blanket laced of glass shards. He poured himself a shot and downed it before turning to face the one woman who had broken him in ways that were beyond repair. Alex had always known there would come a day when he ran into Izzie, he'd always just assumed it would be work related, not him wallowing in tequila at a bar miles from home. His home, he grimaced. It was miles from his home. For all he knew Izzie lived in the high rise apartment building across the street or worked at the hospital he'd past a few miles back. "Izzie," he said slowly.

"Would it be okay..." she gestured towards the empty stool next to him. The way she stood there, her fingertips playing with the hem of her aqua colored top, it became clear to Alex that if he told her no, she would walk away. Out of his life. Again.

"Yeah," Alex said at last, "sure. Take a seat." He slid the bottle of tequila towards her as she tentatively sat next to him. "Have a drink."

"I heard the most vile rumor earlier this evening." Izzie waved the bar tender over and requested a shot glass. "I heard that a doctor was raped by a patient at Seattle Gra...Sloan Grey Memorial."

The taste of bile was back. Alex tried to swallow it down. Not even the liquid gold of Jose Cuarvo could expell it. "It's not a rumor."

"Jesus," she whispered. Her gold colored waves shimmered around her shoulders as she shook her

head. She turned pained filled eyes towards him. "Please tell me it isn't anyone I know."

He had to take another shot before telling her the victim had been Meredith. Before his eyes he watched her face crumble. It sickened him that even after all she had done to him, even after all the pain she had caused him, it still killed him to see her hurt. "She was resting when I left. Bailey wouldn't let any of us see her."

"She might not want to see anyone. Not yet." Izzie took a tentative sip of her shot before tipping her head back and downing it. She slammed the glass onto the bar and then looked at him. "I've gotta admit I'm surprised you're not camped out in the waiting area or trying to sneak pass the nurses so you can check on her."

"Bailey made us leave."

"The Alex I knew-"

Alex slammed the palm of his hand down on the bar. "I'm not the Alex you know though, am I? It's been how many years? Three?"

"Three years, five months, two weeks, and four days," she murmured, her voice so low Alex wasn't sure he had heard her correctly over the music that was pumping from a hidden sound system.

"Not keeping track or anything, are you?" It was a bit funny, because the more Alex thought about it, the more he realized she was right. It had been three years, five months, two weeks, and four days since they had last seen one another. They'd been sitting next to each other then as well. Only they hadn't

been making tense small talk, he'd been telling her to go.

"Not on purpose," Izzie sighed. She waved the bar tender back over; this time to order an iced coffee. "He'll take one too."

"What if I don't want coffee?"

"Then I'll drink it, but I'd rather you did. I don't like the idea of you trying trying to drive home after drinking tequila." Shifting on her stool so that she faced him, Izzie leaned one elbow on the bar. "How did it happen? How did Meredith get..." her voice trailed off.

"I don't know," Alex said honestly. "I wasn't there." That killed him. He hadn't been there for Meredith when she needed him the most. He hadn't been able to protect her.

"Don't," chided Izzie. "Don't beat yourself up for not being there."

It pissed him off that she still knew him well enough to know that he had been doing just that. Who did she think she was, remembering things about him? Then again, he remembered things about her as well. "Is that how you got through bailing on all of us? By not beating yourself up over it?" It was a low blow, one he instantly regretted when all emotion drained from Izzie's face.

"There it is," she said softly. "I knew it would eventually come to that." She slid from the stool and reached into the small, silver purse he hadn't noticed until then. She withdrew a twenty dollar bill and slapped it on the bar. "For the coffees," she told the bartender. "You can give them to him or someone else. Doesn't matter."

"So that's it?" Alex demanded, sliding off his stool. "You're just going to walk away...again."

Izzie stared at him, her jaw tightening. "What do you want, Alex? For me to stand here so you can tell me what a horrible human being you think I am? Will that make you feel better? Then fine...go for it! If that's what it takes to help you move on."

"I have moved on," Alex snapped at her. Following her lead, he threw a couple twenties on the bar and moved closer to where she stood. "I met someone else. Someone I love. Someone I want to have kids with and marry."

For a moment her face paled. "Good for you," she whispered, her voice thick with emotion. "I'm happy that you found someone."

"I really don't care what you think," he shot back. It wasn't the entire truth. He cared what she thought. He just wasn't sure if he wanted her thoughts to be ones of regret or ones of relief that he had moved on.

"Fine, Alex. That's...it's..." Izzie's shoulders drooped and for a moment he thought she was going to say more. Instead she smiled sadly. "Thank you for telling me about Meredith. If I get the chance...the nerve...I'll...I'll have to visit her."

With the mention of Meredith, Alex felt some of his anger towards Izzie dissolve. "You should. She's going to need all the support she can get."

Izzie nodded. "We had a nurse raped at Tacoma. Last year. It wasn't at the hospital though. It was at some party she went to. She..she wasn't the same after. It was like the guy hadn't just messed her up physically, he'd killed a part of who she was." A tear trickled down the soft curve of her cheek. "I hate that Meredith..." she choked on the rest of her words. Another tear started to weave its way down her cheek. Without thinking, Alex reached out and swiped it away with the pad of his thumb. "You probably think I shouldn't be upset. That I don't have a right to...to...to be upset over Meredith, but Alex...I...I just...I've wanted to call her so many times but she was always more your friend than mine and I didn't want to...to put her in the middle, you know? It just seemed easier to make a clean break."

"She was friends with both of us," Alex countered. "And you know Mere...she doesn't let anyone put her in the middle. If you want to see her, go see her. Don't let me be the reason you don't." It had been on the tip of his tongue to say excuse instead of reason but he'd thought better of it. Given Jo's accusation that he spent more time with Meredith than with her, it occurred to him that maybe Izzie really had felt like Meredith was more his friend than hers.

"It's late," Izzie said quietly. "I should really be getting home." She switched her purse from one hand to the other, but made no move to leave. It was almost as though she didn't want to. "Alex," she started, only to sigh. She shook her head slightly and then squared her shoulders. "Are you happy? Really happy? I...I know you said you met someone...that you love them and all that...but are you happy? I just...I need to know. I realize I have no business asking that, but I just need to know."

Was he happy? It was a loaded question. Six months ago he could have answered it with a resounding yes. Now, well now he wasn't so sure. Everything had started to unravel and he wasn't sure when it began or how to stop it. "Sometimes," he said honestly. "Lately...not so much."

Izzie nodded. "I know what you mean," she muttered. "I met someone too. Really thought it was going somewhere but when he found out I couldn't have kids..." She shrugged, a sad smile twisting her lips. "Guess he didn't love me enough."

"You know you can use the embryos, right?" No matter how angry he had been about her leaving or how hurtful the divorce had been, he'd always remained steadfast his decision to let her have full custody of the embryos. It had seemed like the right thing to do.

"Yeah. I know. I just...if he can't love me...just me...how can I trust him to love a child that isn't biologically his, you know?" Tears shone in her dark eyes. "Sorry. You don't want to hear any of this." In a way she was right. He didn't want to hear about her loving and losing someone in the time they'd been apart.

"Jo found the paperwork for the embryos a couple months ago. Accused me of not loving her enough. Said I was treating her like the kid of woman you get a puppy with, instead of having kids." He left off the part where he had shucked his pants and told Jo they could have a kid, if that was what she wanted. Since Jo had said she wasn't ready for that step, he didn't see the point in bringing it up. "And earlier, she accused me of spending more time with Meredith than with her. I caught her packing. She said she needed a break. Time to think. So...what do I do...I ask her to marry me. I must have the shittiest luck when it comes to marriage because she turned me down. Said we needed to talk first."

"And..." Izzie stared at him expectantly. "Did you? Talk?"

"Meredith was raped, Iz, what do you think?"

His ex-wife studied him for a moment. "I think you pulled an Alex and came here instead of dealing with it."

"You think you know me so well," Alex scowled.

"I was your wife, of course I know you."

Everything in him stilled. His wife. It was like a knife to the chest to hear her call herself that. It was easier to think of her as the ex, or the woman who had broken his heart and ruined his life. Anything but his wife. "Yeah, well, you don't anything about my relationship with Jo. It's done. She said no." Jo had said no. No to being his wife. No to building a future together. No amount of talking would change that.

"You're being an ass, you know that. Sometimes no doesn't mean no. It means fight for me. It means talk to me." Izzie let out a strangled laugh. "Oh my God. I cannot believe I am standing here giving relationship advice to my ex-husband."

It _was_ comical and definitely not how Alex had imagined his night going. "I've tried talking," he said when her laughter subsided. "I have Iz. I've put myself out there more than I have ever...and she said no."

"I'm sorry," Izzie apologized softly. "Listen, this place," she waved her hand towards the bar, "isn't really my thing. I met a couple coworkers here and I was headed out when I seen you. I...I have a couple patients I need to check on. You know how it is. We're never really off, even when we're off. The thing is," she paused and took a deep breath, "seeing you again...I don't know...I miss you. Not the fighting and drama we put each other through, but the friendship. We were always real with each, you know. So...I guess what I'm saying is, it would be nice if we could see each other. Talk some more. Clear the air so to speak." Her head bowed slightly as she reached into her purse and pulled out a business card. "Don't say anything now, okay? Just think about it and call or text. Or don't. It's up to you. Either way, I'm glad we ran into each other." As she slipped the card into his hand she pressed a kiss against his cheek. "And Alex...talk to Jo. Sometimes that's all us girls want...just to talk."

Alex glanced down at the card in his hand. _Dr. Isobel Stevens, Pediatric Cardiothoracic Specialist, Seattle Children's Hospital._ It wasn't too surprising that Izzie had gone into cardiology. Aside from her mental lapse where Denny had been concerned, she'd always been good with the heart patients; especially the younger ones. His brow wrinkled as he flipped the card between his fingers. The smart thing to do would be to throw it away. Nobody could accuse him of being smart where Izzie was concerned. Without thinking about his motives, Alex slid the card into his pocket and headed towards his car.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N Yes, yes, Jackson is OC. I apologize. I'm not familiar with writing him, so bear with me! XOXO P.S. this chapter is crazy long. Sorry not sorry lol

Chapter Two

" _I find the answers aren't so clear. Wish I could find a way to disappear. All these thoughts they make no sense. I find bliss in ignorance." One Step Closer (Linkin Park)_

The steady beeping of the monitors hooked up to Meredith seemed to keep time with the pounding of Alex's heart as he lowered himself into the chair next to her hospital bed. Bowing his head, he reached for her hand. Her fingers felt like ice as he gently cradled her smaller hand in his larger one. His vision blurred as he took in all the black, purple, and red bruises along her neck and jaw. A large knot had formed on her left cheekbone, and there were smaller, almost invisible cuts near her ear. "I'm sorry," he whispered, his voice thick with emotion as a solitary tear broke free from his lashes and landed on the back of her wrist.

"For what," Meredith whispered back, her eyes still closed. Her voice was rusty, as though she hadn't used it in a while.

"That this-" He snapped his mouth shut when she started shaking her head from side to side.

"No! No, Alex! You do not get to apologize for what happened." Slowly, she opened her eyes and met his gaze. The pain radiating in the smoky green orbs cut through Alex like a knife. She was broken. Broken in a way that the damage could never be fully repaired. "Talk to me. Please. Tell me...anything."

Inhaling deeply, Alex sorted through the chaotic state of his mind. Under normal circumstances he would have spilled his guts. Jo thinking he spent too much time with Meredith, thus leading her to stay with Stephanie and turn down his marriage proposal. Izzie being at the out of the way bar he had found himself at last night, and how she wanted to see him again so they could talk. All big issues in his life, but pale in comparison to what Meredith had been through. "What do you want to hear," he finally asked.

"Anything," Meredith pleaded. "Tell me about things with Jo. Did you guys talk?"

A v formed between Alex's brows. How did Meredith know that Jo wanted to talk? And then it hit him. Meredith wasn't referring to Jo wanting to talk to Alex, but Alex wanting to talk to Jo. The conversation they'd had about his and Jo's relationship seemed so long ago; strange that it had only been eight hours since he had told Meredith he needed to talk to Jo. He'd wanted to clear the air, tell Jo that he was going to be spending less time with Meredith and more time with her. The talk never happened. He'd gone home and Jo had been packing an overnight back. They'd volleyed words back and forth, accusations really, before he asked her to marry him. She'd looked at him like he was crazy and told him no. There had been no time to react. He'd gotten the call about Meredith. "Sort of," he answered slowly.

"What do you mean, sort of? Alex you can't sort of talk to someone. You either talk to them or you don't."

"I asked her to marry me," Alex blurted out. Before Meredith could congratulate him he stopped her. "She turned me down."

"What?" Meredith struggled to sit up, her face twisting in pain. She sucked in her breath, tears filling her eyes. "Shit," she hissed through clenched teeth. Alex bent forward, ready to help her settle back. Her fingers curled into his shirt as her tiny body shook with sobs. He pressed his cheek against the top of her head and gathered her close. It seemed like he should say something, but there were no words. "I'm sorry," she sobbed. "I told myself I wasn't going to think about it, that I wasn't going to be a victim."

She was a victim. No amount of denial would change that. Being a victim didn't have to define her life, though. When Alex said as much, she smiled tentatively through her tears. "You're right. You're always right."

"No," Alex shook his head.

"Will you just shut up and take the compliment." Gingerly, Meredith pulled back and settled against the pillow. "So...anything else? Other than Jo telling you no? Come on, Alex, I need some distracting here."

Alex wasn't sure if he agreed with that assessment. He didn't know much about rape victims or their road to recovery, but avoiding the issue seemed counter productive. Didn't they need to face what had happened to them so they could move on? He made a mental note to do some research. If he was going to be there for Meredith, he needed to know what he was dealing with. The do's and don't's. "Bailey wouldn't let us see you last night," he told her quietly. "She said you were resting, that we should all go home and do the same."

"Sounds like Bailey," Meredith murmured. "And...did you go home?"

"No. I drove around until I found a bar."

"Oh Alex...no. Please...tell me you didn't do anything stupid."

The way she said it made him think of something his college wrestling coach had said: stupidity was subjective. It varied from person to person, and whether someone considered their actions stupid depended on their frame of mind at the time. Alex wasn't feeling particularly stupid. Confused. Lost. Confused. But not stupid. "I ran into Izzie. And, before you ask, the answer is no. I didn't do anything stupid." Unless taking a business card with her phone number on it was considered stupid. "All we did was sit and talk." And there had been an open invitation to talk some more if he so chose. The jury was still out on that.

"You seen Izzie? Izzie? As in your ex-wife?" Disbelief shone in Meredith's weary eyes. "What did you talk about?" There were a million other questions written on Meredith's face, but the other woman wouldn't voice them aloud.

"Just stuff. Nothing major." Nothing major at all. Just the rape. Just her walking out on him. Just him being angry at her. Just the two of them admitting that their attempts at serious relationships had gone sour.

"I find that hard to believe."

Alex shrugged. "We talked about you," he told her. "She misses you."

"I find that hard to believe," Meredith muttered. She leaned her head back and stared up at the ceiling for a moment. "She said I was just a roommate Alex." She turned her gaze back towards him. "Someone she worked with."

The right words were always hard for him. There were occasions when he shocked himself and said the right thing, but they weren't often. He prayed that now was one of those occasions. "We talked about that. Izzie and me. She didn't want to put you in the middle of our relationship problems."

"You put me there when you slept with my little sister," Meredith pointed out.

Alex winced. Sleeping with Lexie hadn't been one of his finer moments. "Yeah, well, she doesn't know that."

"Was she okay? Did she look okay? Healthy?"

A brief image of Izzie standing in front of him, telling him she wanted to see him again, flashed through his mind. Her hair had been longer than the last time he seen her. She'd also gained back most of the weight she had lost during her battle with cancer. "She looked great. Definitely healthy." They hadn't talked about Izzie's health, but there had been a healthy glow about her. "She's a heart specialist at Children's."

"Really? A heart specialist?"

"Yeah. A heart specialist." Without thinking, Alex pulled the business card from his pocket. "I have her number," he said lowly, holding out the card. "If you want it."

"Did she give you the card for me, or was it for you?"

Meredith had always been too smart for Alex's own good. "She wants to talk some more. Said it was up to me."

"And what do you want?"

There were a lot of things that Alex wanted. At the top of the list was turning back time and saving Meredith from being violated by the son of a bitch who had attacked her. Since time travel wasn't possible, he would have to stick with analyzing the things he could control. Like whether or not he text his ex-wife or tore her business card up. "Is it bad that I don't know?"

"I don't know," Meredith said truthfully. "I guess that depends on you….and Jo."

He felt his body tense at the mention of Jo's name. He couldn't avoid her forever, or the talk she was so keen to have. "I'm so confused, Mere. I shouldn't be, but I am."

"You're confused, and I'm exhausted." A sad, tired smile tipped the corners of her lips. "Not to be rude, but I think I'm going to go back to sleep now. And Alex…talk to Jo."

"Love you," Alex murmured, pressing a kiss to Meredith's temple.

Her words stuck with him as walked into the hallway. Talk to Jo. Meredith made it seem so simple. It wasn't. Some how his relationship with Jo had become unrecognizable. Talking about how it got there, what roles they each played in the journey, wasn't something Alex was sure he was ready for. His hand slid to his pocket; to Izzie's business card. He caught it between his thumb and index finger and started to pull it out when he heard his name being called. Like a child caught doing something they shouldn't, Alex yanked his hand from his pocket.

"We're going to talk," Jo told him as she approached him.

"We're going to talk," Alex echoed.

"Now," Jo said firmly.

"Now?"

"Yes, now." Reaching up, Jo tucked a lock of her hair behind her ear. As her hand fell to her side she out a frustrated sigh. "How did we get here, Alex? How did we get to a point where we dread talking to each other? That's not us. We're not those people."

She was right. They weren't those people. They had always been able to talk to each other. Even when they knew it would piss the other person off, they talked. Until now. Now they kept silent. Silence could be deafening, though. It could also be lethal. "I don't know," he said at last. "I don't know how we got like this."

"I've been thinking...a lot. Not just about how we got here, but where are we going?"

Alex tried to swallow around the lump that had lodged itself in his throat. A year ago he could have answered the question without giving it a second thought. "I don't know."

"Exactly. You don't know. You don't know where we're going, yet you asked me to marry you."

Anger flashed in his eyes. "I knew where I wanted us to go when I asked you to marry me."

"You asked me because you thought that's what I wanted," accused Jo. "If I had thought for one moment you were asking me because you wanted me to be your wife, I would have said yes."

"Are you serious?" Alex stared at her in disbelief. "Usually when a man asks a woman to marry him its because he wants her to be his wife."

"You know what I meant," Jo snapped, shaking her head.

"Obviously, I don't," he shot back.

Jo's chest expanded as took a deep breath. Both her hands flew up to her hair. She shoved her fingers into the loose waves and stared at him, a mixture of hurt and anger in her eyes. "What are we doing? I don't want to fight with you."

"I don't want to fight with you either," Alex admitted.

"So where does that leave us?"

"I don't know."

Tension thickened the air. It wrapped around them, smothering whatever progress they might have made. The anger, hurt, and confusion in Jo's eyes were like a sucker punch to the gut. The last person on earth Alex wanted to hurt was Jo. He took a tentative step towards her, started to reach out, only to stop. Until they figured out what had happened to push their relationship so far off course they were at a stand still. "I need to go," Jo whispered as her name was paged over the intercom.

Alex nodded. Absentmindedly, his hands slid into his pockets. Once more he found himself toying with the business card Izzie had given him. As Jo walked away, he pulled the card from his pocket. An odd sensation tightened in his stomach as he text a simple 'Hey, it's Alex' to the number printed below his ex-wife's name. He waited, the sensation low in his belly tightening even more when there was no response. "Figures," he muttered, shoving his phone into his back pocket. He started towards the locker room, silently berating himself for being dumb enough to text his ex-wife.

"Karev, you got a minute," Jackson called out.

Biting back a sigh, Alex nodded and walked towards the other man. He accepted the chart Jackson was holding out and flipped it open. There was nothing special about the case. The symptoms weren't unusual. Fever. Chills. Swollen glands. Ulcerated bug bite. Alex's eyes darted back to the bug bite. Typically bites didn't form ulcers. Nor did they cause fever, chills, or swollen glands. "Have they been hunting?"

"That's for you to find out," Jackson grinned.

"Seriously?" Alex stared down at the chart in his hand.

"Seriously," Jackson repeated. His bemused expression slipped into a grim one. "Look Karev, I know the PIT isn't your cup of tea, but with Grey down..."

With Grey down they would all have to take turns covering her rotations; including the PIT. Alex tightened his grip on the folder. "Any other surprise patients?"

"Not yet, but the day is young, so you never know." A little of Jackson's earlier humor returned, only to dim as his gaze latched onto something near the nurses station. Alex followed his friend's line of vision and grimaced. Not something, but rather someone. April. Of course. "When did you know?"

"Know what?"

"That your marriage was over."

The sound of blood rushing filled Alex's ears. Jackson couldn't have asked a more complicated question. "Are you thinking about filing for divorce," Alex asked lowly.

"It's like we're nothing but a shell anymore. We don't talk. Or if we do it turns into a fight. I look at her and I don't see the woman I fell in love with."

"Can you live without her?" It was a question Alex had asked himself over and over again before he signed the papers. At the time he had been so angry and hurt, he'd told himself that he deserved better and that yeah, he could live without Izzie. Seeing her again, he couldn't help but wonder if he hadn't lied to himself. Not that it mattered anymore. The past was the past. Best to not dwell on it.

"I've been living without her. That woman," Jackson nodded in April's direction, "isn't the woman I married."

"You're not the man she married either, though," Alex pointed out. "You've both changed."

Jackson stared at him. "So what you're really saying, is I need to ask myself if the new me wants to know the new her."

That wasn't what Alex was saying, but yeah, okay, if that is the direction Jackson wanted to take things, he'd play along. It wasn't exactly a bad idea. "That's up to you. Only you…." his voice trailed off as he felt his phone buzzing in his pocket. He fought the urge to check it. "Only you can decide when you're ready to call it quits."

"Yeah, but how do you know?"

Alex pulled out his phone. Two new text messages. He clapped Jackson on the shoulder. "If you're questioning it, you're not sure. And if you're not sure...don't...don't do anything rash, okay? Something you'll regret."

Tucking the chart under his arm, Alex started the bay where his patient was waiting. As he walked, he pulled open the unread texts. His heart lurched. _Izzie says 'hey' back to Alex lol sorry couldn't resist._ A brief smile tipped the corners of his mouth. _All silliness aside, I'm glad you text. Coffee later?_ Alex paused outside his patient's room and shot back a quick reply. _Shift_ _doesn't end until 7 maybe dinner?_ She text back the name of a place Alex had passed once or twice, that was located half way between Grey-Sloan Memorial and Children's.

Dinner? What the hell had he been thinking? He hadn't been. Silently berating himself, Alex turned his focus towards his patient. He'd worry about his impromptu dinner date with ex-wife later. "Good morning, my name is Dr. Karev. Before I order any labs, I'm going to need you to answer a few questions." Yes, the man had been hunting. Yes, he'd found several ticks on his body. No, none of the ticks had bitten the area where the ulcer had formed. Maybe a mosquito had bitten the ulcerated area. Four hours later, Alex stared at the lab results and sighed. Good ole Tularemia, more commonly known as Rabbit Fever. It wasn't as life altering as Lyme Disease, but it wasn't pleasant either. The hunter would be checking in for an overnight stay, possibly longer if he didn't respond to the meds.

"So, what did our hunter have," Jackson asked as they both walked towards a vending machine.

"Rabbit fever," Alex muttered. "I've also had two cases of mono, one of the worst cases of strep I've ever seen, and an idiot who nailed his finger to a board. Nail gun...before you even ask."

"I had a toddler who ate clumping cat litter, an infected tongue ring, and an old man with gout."

"Cat litter?" Alex's brow crinkled as he dug a dollar out of his wallet.

"Cat litter," Jackson repeated, leaning against the side of the vending machine. "So, I've been thinking about what you said. About whether or not I should file for divorce."

It took all of Alex's energy not to ask why Jackson thought he was a divorce expert. He'd been through one. One. That didn't make him an expert. "I really don't think we should-"

"Relax, will you? I promise this is the last time I bring it up, okay? I just wanted to say thanks for listening. For telling me not to do anything rash. I appreciate it." Jackson flashed him a grin before reaching around him to insert a couple dollars into the vending machine. He hit the Dr. Pepper button, nodded at Alex, and then walked off.

Alex stared after him, his mind going in a million directions. Shaking off the turbulent feelings that were starting to churn in his gut, he grabbed the soda Jackson had left and headed back towards the PIT. There were only a few hours left on his shift and if the rest of it went the way of the first part had it would be over before he knew it. Which left him meeting his ex-wife for dinner. How the hell had he let that happen?


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

 _Hate the mind, regrets are better left unspoken. For all we know, this void will grow. Everything's in vain, distressing you though it leaves me wide open. Feels so right, but I'll end this before it gets me. "Rise Above This (Seether)_

The three story water-front restaurant Izzie had asked him to meet her at wouldn't have been Alex's first pick as far as places to eat went. Growing up poor in Iowa hadn't provided many opportunities to cultivate a taste for seafood. The first time he'd eaten shrimp he had been in high school. One of his buddies had invited him over for their grandparent's anniversary. The main dish had been Shrimp Scampi. While everyone else had thought it was fantastic, Alex hadn't been able to get past how expensive it must have been. All he had been able to think about was how he could have bought a month's worth of food with what they had paid for one meal. No matter how good his paychecks were, Alex still felt that way about seafood; too pricey for him to really enjoy it. He'd never pegged Izzie as a seafood junkie, but then he hadn't pegged her as the sort of woman to walk out on her marriage. _Don't go there, Alex,_ he silently told himself. Traveling down that path over and over again wasn't healthy. And since it had been his decision to meet her, it also wasn't entirely fair.

His eyes scanned the crowded first floor dining area, looking for a familiar blonde. He found her sitting at a table for two by a wall of windows that overlooked the Sound. Taking a deep breath, Alex started towards her. When a hostess paused to ask him if he needed any help, he shook his head and nodded in Izzie's direction. "Hey," she greeted softly as he pulled out the chair opposite hers.

"Hey," Alex mumbled.

"I'm glad you text." Izzie smiled tentatively.

"Yeah," he said slowly. Despite the fact that he was there, Alex still wasn't sure what possessed him to send the text; other than it had felt like the right thing to do. There was unfinished business between the two of them and he didn't think he could fully go forward until it was resolved. And he sure as hell wanted to go forward.

"I'm serious. I'm really glad you text." Her right hand raised up to tuck a strand of golden blonde hair behind her ear. "I didn't think you would."

"I almost didn't," Alex admitted.

"Well, that makes us even because I almost didn't give you my number," Izzie laughed, her dark eyes dancing with amusement. Seeing her sitting there, her eyes shining and her lips twitching as though she were on the verge of laughing again, Alex felt himself transported back to a different time. A time before cancer's destruction took it's toll. He wasn't sure how he felt about that, or about the comfortable familiarity in it. It was probably best not to examine either too closely.

"I'm glad you did," he echoed softly. The words rolled off his tongue before he could stop them. As soon as they had been spoken, he realized how true they were. He was glad that he had text her. If for not other reason than for them to sit down and talk. Talk about what went wrong in their relationship. Talk about why she had run away instead of working things out. Talk about...how his life had become so messed up. He didn't know why, but he couldn't shake the feeling that if anyone could help him make sense of things, it was Izzie.

"So," Izzie said slowly, "did you get the chance to talk to your girlfriend...Jo, wasn't it?"

Of all the things for them to talk about, Jo hadn't been number one on Alex's list. In fact, Jo hadn't been on the list of topics to discuss period. Alex's mind raced through half a dozen ways to change the subject. None of them made sense. Not even the one where he point blank told Izzie that Jo was off limits. "We started to," he told her.

"Started to?" Izzie folded her arms and leaned on the edge of the table.

"Yeah. Started to." Biting back a frustrated sigh, Alex reached for the glass of water a waiter had placed in front of him. He took several long gulps of the icy liquid before slamming it back down. "She thinks the only reason I proposed is because I thought she was leaving me. What kind of shit is that?"

An odd sort of silence seemed to wrap itself around them as Izzie ducked her head down to study her finger nails. "I think it depends on how and when you did it," she said quietly, her head still bowed. A lock of hair fell across her cheek. Alex fought the old urge to reach over and tuck it behind her ear. Keeping her hair out of her face was no longer his job. It hadn't been for years. Jo and her ever changing dark hair were his responsibility now. Or maybe not. He was still confused about where their relationship was headed. If they even still had a relationship. "...married me because I was dying."

Alex blinked, his brow drawing into a tight v. "What did you say?"

"You heard me, Alex."

He gulped. He hadn't heard her. He'd only been half listening. "Are you accusing me of only marrying you because you were dying? That I made vows to not only you but God...because you were going to die? Bull shit Izzie! That is complete and total bull shit. I loved you! I wanted to spend the rest of my fucking life with you." His fists clenched as anger surged through his veins.

"Then you should have told me that," she shot back, her voice thick with emotion. "Look, I didn't mean to make this about us. I was just trying to point out that you made me feel like the only reason you wanted to marry me is because I was going to die, and maybe Jo really does feel like you asked her because you were scared she was leaving."

"I didn't marry you because I thought you were going to die,' Alex insisted. Izzie shot him a look. "Okay, fine, maybe the fear of you dying pushed me to do it faster, but Iz...I loved you. I wanted you to be my wife. You had to of known that. I mean, come on, I freaking snogged in a cup for you! And don't you dare say that had anything to do with thinking you were going to die. It didn't. I wanted us to have a future."

"Maybe this as a bad idea," Izzie quietly. Her hair fell over her shoulder as she moved to hitch her purse onto her shoulder and stand.

Alex followed suit. Without thinking he reached across the table and laid a hand over hers. "Don't go."

Izzie stared at him for a moment. "I think it would be wise."

"Why?"

"I don't want to fight and it seems like that's all we do." Crossing her arms over her chest, Izzie shot him a sad smile.

"I don't want to fight either," Alex told her. It was the truth, he realized. He was tired of fighting. Not just with Izzie, but in general. He had spent most of his life fighting and he was exhausted.

"So where does that leave us?"

Biting back a sigh, Alex mulled over the question. The best answer would be to walk away, to pretend they had never bumped into each other. Walking away wasn't really an option. Not for Alex. "I don't know," he answered honestly.


	4. Chapter 4

Author's Note: I would like to apologize for the delay in this update. There have been a lot of things going on in my persona life that have kept me from writing and have also affected the quality of this chapter. In the course of a month, we have lost 3 people that were near and dear to us. None of the deaths were expected; especially not my daughter's friend committing suicide. As you can imagine, that took on toll on my sweet girl. She's still trying to understand. I don't think any of us ever truly understand. Thank you for understanding the delay and for sticking through reading this.

Chapter Four

" _If you only knew how many times I counted all the words that went wrong. If you only knew how I refuse to let you, even when you're gone. I don't regret any days I spent, nights we shared or letters that I sent." If You Only Knew - Shinedown_

' _I don't know.'_

It was a non-answer.

A total cop out.

Yet it was all Alex had. He couldn't answer Izzie's question of where they went from there when he didn't have a clue. In that moment, all he knew for certain was he didn't want either of them walking away. Not yet. Alex wasn't ready to see Izzie walk out of his life again. And if she left now, that is exactly what would be happening. "Look, I know that isn't the answer you want to hear, but it's all I got."

Izzie stared at him, an unreadable emotion in her dark eyes. "I don't always have pre-formed answers when I ask questions, Alex," she said quietly. Her voice sounded a little stiff, as though she were offended or bothered by his assumption that she would want a different answer than the one he had given.

"I didn't mean it like that," Alex told her. He started to say something more when a waiter approached their table and asked if they were ready to order. Alex looked at Izzie. She let out a sigh before saying yes.

"We'll take an order of garlic barbeque prawns to start with, and for the main course I will have the Mahi Mahi tacos and he will have the wild salmon burger."

Alex felt both his brows shoot up. "So you're ordering for me now," he teased.

"We both know that you hate seafood, but you like salmon." Izzie reached for the glass of ice tea that had been set in front of her and took a small sip.

"Doesn't mean I'm going to like some wild salmon burger. And fish tacos? Really?" Shaking his head, Alex made a face. Izzie had always been willing to take risks with food. Shortly after they had first started dating, she had told him that she loved trying to new things because she never knew when she was going to find a new favorite.

"Don't knock what you haven't tried," she shot back at him, her brown eyes glimmering with amusement. The amusement slowly faded toward seriousness as she took a long drink of iced tea. "So," she drawled, "back to our earlier conversation. I know you don't want my opinion on things, but at the risk of getting my head bit off a second time, you really do need to talk to Jo. Really talk to her. And listen. Hear what she has to say."

"What if..." Alex took a deep breath, "what if I don't like what she has to say?" There. He had said it. He had admitted, out loud no less, why he didn't want to talk to Jo. He wasn't sure he was ready to hear her say they were through or that she wasn't interested in making their relationship permanent.

"Seriously?" Izzie stared at him, her lips parted slightly. "Wow. You are serious." She took a deep breath, smiled politely as the waiter set their food in front of them, and then gave Alex a sad smile. "Alex, I know its seems like its easier to live with words unspoken, but trust me. It's not. The silence eventually gets to you and you end up like me...sitting across the table from your ex...thinking that maybe, if you had just fought a little harder…." her words trailed off as an all too familiar beeping broke through their conversation. Izzie frantically dug through her purse, pulling out the blaring pager. "I gotta go," she said quickly, shoving back her chair. As she stood up she pulled some money from her wallet.

"I'll pay," Alex protested, rising with her.

"No. I invited you. You pay next time." Izzie leaned in to hug him. Her arms wrapped around his torso, her hair tickling his cheek. He turned his head slightly to press a kiss to her cheek. At the last moment she did the same thing. As his lips gently brushed across hers an electric shock coursed through his body. Stunned, Alex pulled back, his heart pounding. "I...I have to go," she said hoarsely.

"I know," he cleared his throat.

"Right. So...text me?"

It was a bad idea. The lingering shock from the accidental kiss was prove of that. Yet, that didn't stop Alex from nodding his head.


	5. Chapter 5

Author's Note: I realize it has been a while since I updated this story and I apologize for that. Since I last updated my father in law was diagnosed with and died from lymphoma. As you can imagine it really rocked our world. Thanks for those who sent encouraging messages or reviews! They meant a great deal during a really hard time. This chapter might be a bit rough and it is definitely short. It is me trying to find my way back into this story. I hope you stick with me and yes, my other stories will be updated shortly!

Chapter Five

" _And it seems I broke your heart, my ignorance has struck again. I failed to see it from the start and you open 'til the end." Sorry – Halsey_

 _Her lips parted in a soft, breathy moan as Alex's teeth gently nipped one of her hardened nipples. He could feel her nails digging into his scalp as continued to tease and flick the little nub. She panted his name in breathy little bursts, begging him to stop teasing her. Teasing was half the fun. He loved the way she squirmed and begged, pleading with him to give her what they both wanted. Self control wasn't his strong suit though and her pleas always won out. He brushed a lock of dark hair off her cheek and rolled so that she was on top. He closed his eyes as she straddled him, positioning herself so that her nether lips parted and allowed his throbbing dick entrance. As she slid down, her moans changed and he opened his eyes just enough to see the shoulder length brown hair turn to long, sunshine colored waves..._

Alex sat up with a start. His breath came in short, raspy bursts. Reaching up, he scrubbed his hand down his face. What the hell had just happened? He sat up, wincing at the almost painful erection that made fully sitting uncomfortable. Alex leaned back against the headboard and stared up at the ceiling. It had been months since he had had a sex dream; even longer longer since Izzie had made an appearance in them. His ex-wife starring in a graphic sex dream didn't freak him out so much as the fact that in the dream he had started out making love to Jo only to have Jo turn into Izzie. There was probably some psychological explanation for it; some bull shit about lingering feelings most likely. There were no lingering feelings. Except, Alex reluctantly thought, there were. Why else was he texting, meeting up with, and dreaming about Izzie.

"Shit," he gasped as his phone buzzed across his night stand. Biting back a string of curse words, Alex snatched it up before it could vibrate off the edge of the little table Jo had found at a flea market. "Shit," he muttered again as he read the screen. One new text message...from Izzie. Wasn't that just his luck? The star of his pornographic dream sent him a text. Alex scrubs his hand down his face again before opening the message. _Sorry for texting so late,_ _just got out of surgery. Just wanted to say I'm sorry for earlier. I_ _shouldn't have brought up the past_ _. Forgive me?_

 _Nothing to forgive_ Alex text back. _We probably should have had that conversation_ _a long time ago._ Would things have been different if they had? The question kept circling in Alex's mind as he swung his legs over the side of the bed and stood up. He dropped his phone in the middle of the rumpled covers and padded towards the bathroom. Guilt started gnawing at him as he passed framed images of him and Jo. It was ridiculous to feel guilty, he told himself. He hadn't done anything wrong. Other than meeting his ex-wife for a dinner that may or may not have been a date. It wasn't a date, Alex chided. It had been two people eating dinner and talking. And if those two people used to be married, if there were suppressed feelings coming to the surface...well...shit! Maybe he should feel guilty. A few days ago he had been proposing to Jo, so sure that he wanted to marry her. Now, he was secretly meeting his ex-wife. There was also that jolt of electricity that had shot through him when his lips had accidentally touched hers. Shit, shit, shit!

Alex clenched both fists and stared vacantly at the small bathroom. He couldn't even remember why he had gotten out of bed and walked over there. It had probably been due to the fact that his body felt twitchy; as though it were unable to be still. Behind him, he could hear his phone going off again. He told himself to ignore it, to just walk into the bathroom, turn the shower on and let the cold water wash away the vivid images of Izzie riding cock. "Fuck me," he muttered, turning on the ball of his foot and striding towards his bed. He snatched his phone from between the folds of his comforter. _True. Communicating was never our strong suit though lol_ Talking had definitely not been their strong suit. Against his better judgment, Alex's thoughts shifted towards what had been: sex. If there had been one thing Izzie and he had been good at, it had been sex.

"What the hell is wrong with you man," Alex snapped. "Stop thinking about screwing your ex-wife." He couldn't. It was like thoughts of Izzie, of naked Izzie, had invaded his mind and refused to leave. Tightening his jaw, Alex sat on the edge of his bed and stared at his phone. He needed to tell Izzie that he couldn't talk to her anymore, that he was going to focus on repairing things with Jo. He needed to tell Izzie to lose his number. Taking a deep breath, Alex opened the dialogue with Izzie. Before he could stop himself he typed _wanna come over and communicate?_

"You've lost your damn mind," he muttered, shaking his head in disgust. So much for telling Izzie that they needed to lose each others numbers and focusing on Jo. Oh no, he had to send her a freaking booty call text. There was no telling how Izzie would respond either. Maybe she would rip his ass a new one and save him the trouble of kicking her back out of her life. His phone buzzed again. Her response was a single word. One word. One word that was probably going to complicate his already complicated life. _Addy?_


End file.
